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It has been some time.

This will hopefully be an isolated selfish post.  Selfish as in it’s mostly about me.  Except for the next paragraph.

I recommend reading mi hermano’s livejournal.  I suppose to someone not-me or not-him or not-knowing-him-much it may not make all that much sense and may get quite boring to read, but if you know him its interesting.  It’s me, if I was more Buddhist than Messianic Jewish, and sometimes I think if he was more inclined to my specific religious beliefs, he would be me. 

I’m recently inspired to be extremely transparent to all those around me.  I know it’s not all that common for me to have a very serious post, but I think this will be one.  I also know everyone in the world doesn’t read this, so writing this is not an excuse for saying that I’ve been real with everyone, always.  Maybe it will get my thoughts clear.  I don’t feel that my thoughts are jumbled, but I bet things will come to memory that I need to work on that I hadn’t previously thought.

Sometimes people say that I’m a difficult person to get to know, that I somehow manage to get to know them really well and understand them, but they feel I keep them out while I do that. In the end, they (usually girls) get very frustrated at how closed they feel I am, and…give up?  I don’t think give up is the right word, but due to the understood inadequacies of written/spoken word, I’ll pretend you’re on board with what I’m trying to say and move on.

My reasoning is that if somone cares about me, they’ll ask questions.  That’s how I grew up; but I realize that not everyone is like this.  Many people feel uncomfortable with what they feel is prying into other people’s lives, and wait for a person to feel comfortable.  I don’t ever get to that point.  I can count on less than three fingers the people who I will just tell anything too.  Those are people beyond the Palmer boys.  Usually I can say anything to any of them.  It’s not that I’m a closed person or am hiding things; it’s just not how I roll. I don’t hate you.

But, there may be confessions to make.  Some people recently have called it a defense mechanism.  I don’t see it that way, because I’m fully aware of what I’m doing.  If that makes it not a defense mechanism, then its not…but if it’s still a defense mechanism if it’s something you’ve thoughtfully chosen to do.

To the point, I don’t want girls to like me, and I act accordingly.  This creates an aura of shallowness about me, and makes a number of people have a very difficult time getting along with me.  I’m not being someone who I’m not…I’m really very random, quirky, and goofy.  I choose not to be anything but random, quirky, and goofy, around select groups of people.  By people, I mean girls.  And especially right now, I mean freshman girls.  I’m chauvenistic, so I feel they’re the ones most likely to do something silly like fall in crush with me.  Perhaps if I appear to not be a guy they want to be with, they won’t want to be with me.  Much pain, tears, and anguish (especially on their part; on my part usually just comes annoyance) will be avoided, and when they decided to fall in love with another boy, maybe we can be friends then.  Or, maybe they’ll be so convinced I’m shallow and not worth their time that they’ll give up.  That’s ok with me…really, no one has to like me for me to be happy.   But sometimes, people decided they should be friends with me, and then we are friends.  Not that I never annoy the people who are my friends…but they don’t usually understand why a not small number of other people think I’m shallow.

But part of it is defensive.  Much anguish of a personal and even tearful sort has been caused by girls who decided they were in love with me (and I use love shallowly) who should not have been in love with me, and I felt nothing for in return.  I’m not claiming I’ve been hurt worse than other people; just that I have.  I feel no bitterness; but I don’t feel anything at all.

Where I am now, I may just be unable, in my current state, to actually care for a female who is a non-family member.  It’s not something I’m claiming to be correct, proud of, or even want (because I don’t want that), but I don’t seem able to.  It’s in God’s hands….I’m not concerned with it.  Is that a cop out?  Maybe.  I’ll consider that later.  I honestly just want to be able to be friends and smile.

Part of the difficulty may be I view myself as predominantly a transitional friend.  If you’re new here, chances are I’ll talk to you, make you laugh, feel comfortable, and hang out with you for awhile.  Then you’ll find your group of friends, and won’t “need” me anymore, so I wander off, in search of someone else who “requires” my friendship.  In the same way,  when someone is going through a lot of pain in their life, oftentimes God leads us together, and we spend several weeks/months in close communication sharing a great deal of intimacy.  Then when their crisis abates, they don’t “need” me anymore…they don’t need support or the constant need of feeling loved.  Uneeded, I wander off as they rejoin their “old” friends again.  I’m not upset with this, really at all…it’s how I naturally work.  I’m not sure if that makes sense, but that’s how I explain being a transitional friend.  I don’t even really like “hanging out”, oftentimes.  What most people do for fun seems pointless, a waste of time.  I’d rather being doing something alone, reading or gaming (not that gaming is productive, but I enjoy it a whole lot more than, say, bowling) or having a meaningful, uplifting conversation with someone who is hurting or who thinks the way I do (more on that later).  So it’s difficult for me to be a “normal” friend, because I don’t enjoy doing the things that friends normally do when they hang out.

Also, I do feel as people don’t think the same as me. Many people feel as though no one understands them.  I don’t lie awake at night feeling this way.  I just learned being in Maine, and hanging out with with aforementioned hermano I linked too, that I really liked hanging out with someone whose brain traversed the same twisted trails that mine did.  I can’t sit with too many people and let me my drift into intricacies of religion or aspects of modern western society and say absolutely whatever I want, and have them understand, raise the bar, and discuss.  It’s pleasant, and it makes me realize I’d like a girl who I can do that with too, which is not what I’ve ever had.  But it might not be necessary; my mom doesn’t connect with my dad on that level, but they’ve been married for more than 25 but less than 30 years and are madly in love.

I’ll let you know my life is in transformation/reformation.  The thing I’ve mentioned least is God, which is the most important.  He desires my life to be in balanced, for me to be selfless, yet have full responsibility for my actions, for me to fully love others, and yet allow myself to be loved in return. I have extremely difficulty being loved, believing others can be selfless, and just a hard time liking girls at all.  Mikey P, who was until this time unammed, is a Buddhist, and I realized the beauty in many of their practices, and how well they fit in to a Judeo-Christian way of life.  Meditiation is very important, and it brings peace and focus.  What is prayer, but meditiation with a focus on God, speaking with Him, desiring to be spoken to, and led in ways that words cannot express but the individual soul can understand?  God speaks to the individual, when he desires, in a way that reflects His beyond-ness, and I’m not sure how often I’ll even be able to come close to explaining what God has taught me with the inner, experiential being.  I desire God to speak to me, to reform me from the inside out, to purge me from my worldly desires of the earth and look at people with love, and be able to understand that God WILL work in other people, even to a greater extent than He has worked in me, and be able to give and accept love.

There’s much to speak of, things I’ve read about God this summer, things He’s revealed to me, but the times are late.  I used to be able to stay up so much later.  le sigh.

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12 Comments

  1. A vision into your brain. Scary. Good…but scary. You’re a great guy Michael and I know you’ll be used so much by God. You’re not just a transitional friend, you’re a friend. Whether that’s a close friend, good friend, or just a plain old friend.. is up to each person. And yes, you are a goofball. I forgot what I was going to say so uh..goodnight.
    -Felicia

  2. Anonymous

    (1) You deal with people like a Jew, like the Jewish race deals with other races.  (2) You are cool. (3) If I were crying I could tell you why and you would help me and you are cooler because of that. (4) I think you do like girls, but that’s just my theory that I’ve had for about a year now.

  3. i don’t think you’re shallow, and i think it’s really cool that you seek out/listen to/help other people at hard times in their lives.  and thank you for writing this post… maybe sometimes you just need someone to listen to you, too.

  4. so i just thought i’d say that i actually read this whole post and i figured i should probably confess a few things:

    1) i dont love you [nor will i ever]
    2) i dont understand you
    3) i’m sorry if i’m one of those girls who you see as those who have “given up” on understanding you
    4) i haven’t given up
    5) i actually enjoy talking to you [even though you have to force me to talk at times]. you make me think….and that’s a good thing. even though i may not always voice my opinions or be able to carry on deep conversations, I like listening to your thoughts and pondering them…etc. because you’re stronger than i’ll ever be. and that’s admirable.
    6) i miss you asking me out…and me saying no.

    that’s all.

  5. Anonymous

    Hey, in a couple of weeks or something a bunch of us are going to a corn maze.  You wanna “hang out” and enjoy an activity that us little, non-Jew people enjoy??  It’s way fun b/c you can totally goof off and no one cares.  I’m not trying to make fun of or belittle your post, but I just don’t want you to think that you were just a “transitional friend” for me.  Obviously we’re not amazingly great friends or anything, but…  I dunno.  You just seem kinda down on yourself.  It’s not your fault that all the children fall madly in “crush” with you.  Anyway, I’m mostly babbling b/c it’s Wednesday night.  Maybe I’ll c-ya around.

    ~angel~

  6. Hey Jew!

    So I just kind of stumbled onto your xanga, and I thought I should leave you a little note. I don’t think you’re shallow either, and I don’t have a crush on you! I htink it’s great that you can be there for us freshmen girls to make us smile, laugh, and to have good conversations with. Sometimes I wish that people didn’t need to protect themselves by not opening up all the way, but I totally understand why you do need to. I also thinks it’s awesome that you can be content without having girls like you, that’s one of the neat things about you and the rest of the Palmer boys. You really don’t care about that right now, and you can still go out and socialize with girls on a regular basis. I think most of us freshmen look up to you guys at big brothers almost rather than potential husbands, and I’m glad! I feel like there really isn’t any pressure to try and impress any of you because I know nothing will come of it anyway! So, I guess I just want to thank you for watching out for us little freshmen and trying to protect our hearts and feelings! You’re awesome!

    Stacy 

  7. Were you talkinga bout girls??

  8. mike, i really like u. (not at all like /that/). i like your thoughts; they often offend me less than i expect.
    but i suppose i’ll have to be another to give up on u anyway since ur still in exile and i’m back home.

  9. Anonymous

    Wednesdays signify the end of my week so I’m usually pretty out of it and I tend to just ramble on and on.  Then I get to sleep in on Thursdays and life goes back to normal.  Until I start my internship anyway.  But yeah, I’ll let you know about the corn maze.  Maybe it can be with Laura and those people or something.  Have a great Saturday!!

    ~angel~

  10. florida: the other promised land.

  11. how did you possibly read so clearly between the lines like that, you genius!

    😉

  12. That was really interesting. I really related to what you said too about assuming people will ask questions if they want to know you. I don’t really care if people know or understand me either, and before college, I’ve always been what you put as a “transitional friend” too. I think it’s really admirable that you do take the time to be Jesus to people, despite your natural introverted tendencies. I don’t really like just hanging out/doing social things unless there’s a lot of good conversation involved….John’s been the only person that has ever gotten me out of “transitional friend” mode as well as noncommital and nonverbal about myself mode. Ironic, since we started off as transitional friends w/us talking about his problems. I’ve always liked you (tho never was attracted to you) and have always thought you are very interesting. Also, you’re one of the few people in Palmer freshman and sophomore yr who didn’t make fun of me- if you cracked jokes about anything quirky I did it was always in a matter of fact-observant-that’s cool manner. John and I were talking the other day about that for some reason. Thanks for sharing all that tho. I think it’s really great that you’re as self aware as you are.

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