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i herd u like emotions

I’m a pretty emotional guy, but I think I used to be a lot more expressive about it.  I remember having a few breakdowns in college, screaming and crying like a girl, having my brain shut off, and almost passing out from my overwhelming FEELINGS.  Those feelings mostly revolved around how much I hated my college.  Maybe some first world problems right there, but it was how I felt, and I expressed that. Though I did hate the school I went to (conservative christian environments for the not-win), I had a good community of guys, support of friends, etc etc, and I recall having more positive expressions of emotion.

After college in the REAL WORLD, that started tapering off.  I had people around, but continually connected to them less and less.  I still was an emotional guy, but couldn’t express it so well.  I “knew how” to argue “properly”, communicate with people, and make my thoughts known, but I did not connect to my own thoughts and emotions.  I could just play the role, and not with much feeling expressed to other people.  After a bad breakup, things got even worse.  It wasn’t about her in the end; it was about me.  I know that because I became friendly with her again, but still did not connect my emotions to my expressions.  It wasn’t particularly healthy, but neither the end of the world.

This is the part where I talk about how my wife reconnected me with some of my emotions.  She grew up in a significantly more emotional environment than I did, probably in both positive and negative ways.  She got me to reconnect with myself (and still does…I have to practice it daily or I can lose it), and not in a way I thought would be positive.

Anger.  She was a very angry person when we first met…orders of magnitude more than she is now!  That’s good, or the getting married thing probably wouldn’t have worked out.  In her past, when you felt something, you expressed it.  I don’t think that’s always good….but I err far too much on the side of not expressing anything that I feel, and communicating my thoughts on a purely intellectual level.  She had ups and downs with my family, and she expressed plenty of emotion about that, and I received plenty of emotional communication from my parents…but I spent all my time and energy parsing through her and their emotions and trying to intellectualize solutions than to consider how I myself felt, and express those feelings to either party, both which love me greatly.

So what were my breakthroughs?  Anger.  It connected me to myself.  I’m not calling what I’ve done good or bad; I’m simply acknowledging at this point they worked to create a more positive ME.  Even if it is bad, I LIKED it, and felt good about it.  All that happened was I ripped the legs off of  a table, and proceeded to use the table legs as a club to destroy the rest of the table.  That was some time ago…maybe a year or year and a half.  I don’t even remember why…I just remember purely expressing my emotions.  As a male, testosterone can make those expressions more on the violent side, but it felt good to have emotions connecting to my brain.   I felt pushed too far, and acknowledged my emotions, and acted on them.  When I was a kid, I got angry, and wrapped glass bottles in a big towel.  I went up into the woods, and smashed the bottles on rocks.  I wanted to go up and just smash the bottles on pure emotion, but I knew that was dumb because then I’d be littering, hence wrapping them in a towel so I could dispose of them properly.  Little me knew better sometimes than adult me.  Sometimes you need to express things.  Maybe through tears, maybe through smashing things,  maybe through smiling and dancing.

I can’t recreate my table-smashing fervor all the time, or I’ll have no furniture, but I learned that emotions which are deemed “bad” must be acknowledged.  It’s part of the human experience that I believe God shoved into our skulls.  I don’t know why, but that’s how it worked for me.

Understanding how to connect to my own emotions helped me both connect to my then-girlfriend now-wife, my family, and also helped me learn to build appropriate emotional defenses during arguments with loved ones.  I can love them, care about what they are saying, and still appropriately feel my own emotions and allow them to color my behaviour and arguments, remaining true to what I believe, loving others, and coming to positive resolutions.

 

married

Oh hello.  I got married.  Writing here hasn’t been much on my mind.

In the coming days, I’m planning on opening up about some personal stuff, that perhaps some religious/spiritual minded people don’t usually, or maybe they do and I just don’t care, just like you won’t care.

I’ll plan on talking about the lead-up to getting married, getting married, crying a lot, and cursing out your fiance and telling her you’re cancelling the wedding.

I might talk about smashing coffee tables in anger or ripping shirts off in anguish (but not in a sexy way).

Finally, how bitches be crazy, or maybe not.  And how fun/awkward an all inclusive resort can be.

So far it’s been fantastic, if I’m allowed to call 2 weeks fantastic.  It’s like having a live in chef/maid/sexbot.  Don’t worry, I put up shelves and fix broken stuff, so she gets something out of it too.

 

 

Why I lie about my age

Or, why people think I do.  Many other people do as well, probably because they intuit what I overthink.

Is someone 15, going on 16, or are they just 15?  It can get annoying (and creepy…why am I talking about 15 year olds?), and I’ve heard plenty of people complain about people talking that way.

I say I’m 27, though I’m really 26.  The day of birth is somewhat arbitrary as a day of celebration in my opinion, but I understand and accept it is helpful to establish a base from which to determine age.  Is age truly relevant?  Probably not, but we like to accept it as important.  We need SOME standard of judging people by, and it’s too complex to judge on merit and ability, so why not age?

Anyway, 6 months after your birthday, any given individual nudges the line from closer-to-last-birthday to closer-to-next-birthday.  So, just round to the nearest birthday.  This way, you remain within 6 months error of what people are asking.  If we do it the traditional way, then one day before your birthday, there are 364 days error in your communications.

Now go and lie more about your age.

 

phoneRage

“new” phone?  i have a samsung stratosphere now.  it replaced my original droid. it’s not as particularly hackable, but i got a splenditudinal deal on craigslist.

this leads me to my lack of sleep last night.  around midnight, i installed an update for my launcher.  something got horked.  it sort of, kept locking up on the homescreen, but not in a way i’ve ever seen before.  it made me think the battery was dead.  the screen went dark…but not COMPLETELY black.  it looked sort of stained.  the tried to start again. and kept choking.

what i’m trying to say is, i cannot get a good night of sleep if my phone isn’t working. and if my computer is having issues…fuggedaboudit.  had to stay up til 2am until it was working smoothly again. this does not help my sleep issues.

oy

Sometimes, I feel very sad. It’s a deep, unsettling, omni-life-sad.  Sometimes, (especially) atheists may say things about religion or god or belief in such things is a crutch.  It really is.  I don’t know what else to fall back on, except my belief in god being real and me having a real purpose in life, and the purpose is quite simple; to love god and love people.  Any schemes or dreams that I have are, in the broad scale of the universe, insignificant.  Neither myself nor anyone can really accomplish anything of cosmic significance, for many definitions of cosmic significance.  The cosmos doesn’t know, and doesn’t care about you.  I’m not talking about the happy pappy “EVERY LIFE YOU TOUCH IS SIGNIFICANT” area.  Sure, people are important, but a comet could smack the earth into the sun like golf ball going into, the sun, and galaxies and physics and math and gravity would keep on spinning.

Lately, I’ve been super motivated.  Until the past day or two of blah-ness, I mean.  I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, studied a lot.  Learning learning learning, and theoretically I love it…but I keep coming back to all is meaningless.  We have no inherit value except what is imbued in us as creations of god.  I don’t particularly know what that means at this point, but I believe it to be true.  So what if I understand politics, economics, history, psychology?  I don’t even know what to do with it.  I’ll keep learning though.

Does it matter how big I get? Is there any relevance for me in the world? I struggle to connect with everyone around me, even/especially my family.  And it’s not some sort of fucked up insane family…we are pretty a snapshot of a standard happy nuclear family.  I’ve always done my own thing, and that isolates me from the world I live in.

Things ain’t so bad.  I just need outlets and connection and community.  Meg helps keep me sane and growing, even though it’s work loving someone so different from yourself.

EMO

community

I’ve just finished reading Life, Inc. by Douglas Rushkoff.  I’ve summarized a little on my life wiki, but it spurred a decent amount of thought.

I’d like to start out with trying to figure this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocKFSLsZnUo

Hmm. Do people cheer because they want people dead?  Or because Perry takes a strong stance on harsh penalties?  Either way, I struggle with the timing of their cheering.

People in society has been disconnected from each other, and I feel the above reaction points to that.  Actually, I just wanted to address that clip, and this seemed a decent way to say my thoughts on it, and loosely related it to the book I just finished.

So, Life Inc.  Our lives are dominated by a corporate mindset.  Forget about the corporations themselves; focus on the mindset it has given us.  Many people would rather pay for moving people, rather than have to deal with those pesky people they know.  We give money to support causes, instead of participating in a cause.  We live our lives by proxy…we watch reality shows for our personal interaction, we vote for the candidates who espouse our beliefs (instead of getting involved to make a difference), and continually abstract our interactions.

I know, this isn’t true for you.  YOU get involved, right?  But most people don’t.  The key to a grassroots movement is individuals acting how they should.  So get involved.  Talk to people.  Choose being part of a community over being a consumer.

 

anecdote

anecdotal evidence is not reality.

but anecdote will influence you more than reality.

armed with this knowledge, SYNERGIZE!

life and wurk

It seems there are a decent amount of “interesting” software companies with interesting ideas, business practices, etc. They might work weird hours or have strange incentive programs…just conduct business a little differently than “as usual”. Less Dilbert-esque, more something-else-esque.

I like that. Alternative brains (as engineers often have) work most productively in alternative environments. In theory, we are “professionals”, who make a salary because we have a job to do, regardless of hours worked.

So, let us do that. Work from home, work from the office, work from the beach…is the job getting done? Why does all the power remain in the hands of the employer, when it’s the employee(s) that allow for the employer to exist?

zombies

the zombie attacks are increasing in frequency. i don’t think we can hang on much longer.

the reBOOT

I haven’t posted at all since I went to Haiti. I feel they are connected somehow. But my brain is being revitalized, and I have things to post.

I might run for president or something like that when they deem me old enough. 2024 sounds like a good target, eh? Politics is full of politicians, so I’m sure I’ll be able to a bang up job in comparison. Things obviously won’t get fixed immediately, but there’s steps that can be taken. I think there are a few root causes that keep the government evil. A short and incomplete list of things I find important to the every day life of the American public, in rough order of importance.

1. Remove corn subsidies (5-10 year plan).
2. Reform IP/patent law in favor of consumers.
3. Have telecom infrastructure be government-owned. I think this is my only bigger .gov move.
4. Increase tariffs on imports to increase revenue and stimulate local manufacturing.
5. Allow big businesses to fail.
6. Stricter requirements on all school loans. Yes. This would make it “harder” to go to college.
7. Phase-down welfare and social security, and police those on it. No HDTVS and smartphones or you’re out.
8. Build nuclear power plants.
9. Remove our military police force from the world.
10. Have a privatized industry for auditing government activities.

Anyway, vote for me, 2024. You think I’m joking, don’t you.

This is a picture of me in Haiti.

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