Sometimes, I feel very sad. It’s a deep, unsettling, omni-life-sad. Sometimes, (especially) atheists may say things about religion or god or belief in such things is a crutch. It really is. I don’t know what else to fall back on, except my belief in god being real and me having a real purpose in life, and the purpose is quite simple; to love god and love people. Any schemes or dreams that I have are, in the broad scale of the universe, insignificant. Neither myself nor anyone can really accomplish anything of cosmic significance, for many definitions of cosmic significance. The cosmos doesn’t know, and doesn’t care about you. I’m not talking about the happy pappy “EVERY LIFE YOU TOUCH IS SIGNIFICANT” area. Sure, people are important, but a comet could smack the earth into the sun like golf ball going into, the sun, and galaxies and physics and math and gravity would keep on spinning.
Lately, I’ve been super motivated. Until the past day or two of blah-ness, I mean. I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, studied a lot. Learning learning learning, and theoretically I love it…but I keep coming back to all is meaningless. We have no inherit value except what is imbued in us as creations of god. I don’t particularly know what that means at this point, but I believe it to be true. So what if I understand politics, economics, history, psychology? I don’t even know what to do with it. I’ll keep learning though.
Does it matter how big I get? Is there any relevance for me in the world? I struggle to connect with everyone around me, even/especially my family. And it’s not some sort of fucked up insane family…we are pretty a snapshot of a standard happy nuclear family. I’ve always done my own thing, and that isolates me from the world I live in.
Things ain’t so bad. I just need outlets and connection and community. Meg helps keep me sane and growing, even though it’s work loving someone so different from yourself.