I really want to solve the world’s problems.  All of them. 
And now I will begin, by reconciling those with opposite viewpoints,
addressing each in turn.

Come on kids.  Is this really a big deal?  The cows want us
to eat more chicken, but they’re clearly idiots.  They can’t even
spell “chicken”, not to mention “more”.  How do they expect to
gain any respect?  Stupid animals. Mike Ballentine and Ranch on
behalf of the Texas Beef Council have the edge with spelling, and even
cleverly draw you in to their advertisement with smart tricks like
making “Watch your curves” curvy.  I bet they used Microsoft’s
WordArtâ„¢ to do it.  It’s the best tool ever.  Clearly, eating
beef wins this round.  Sorry cows.  It’s a compliment.

I think we can throw this next one in the same category as the next and
kill two whales with one harpoon.  I mean, hug two trees with one
arm.

This one is a little more difficult.  Honestly, my first thought
is, yeah, chicks dig guys who save whales.  The girl hugging the
tree is lot better looking then the guy taking out his agression the
already dead tree.  But then I think about it again, and realize
oh no, I hate trees.  One dropped me once, and I broke my
arm.  We should burn down all the rainforests.  On the other
hand, I like whales.  But on the other other hands, actually, I
don’t like whales at all.  What have they ever done for me? 
I’m at a loss.  I’m going to go with my form of problem
solving…WWTGD?  (Clearly meaning, “What would this guy do”?)

This will be me when I’m old.